im going hate myself for life. for not going to the bbq. for life. FOR LIFE. man. the impact was like so great. like the moment adelyn said 'yes' i was like shitting my head off. i really feeling like killing myself. or more like, i felt like rushing to the bbq straight away. maybe i could have made it.

why dont things happen the way i want them to but happen the way i dont want to? WHY?. it's not up to me, is it? it's up to her to choose. i cant possibly start brain-washing her.

should i stop waiting? maybe by giving up hope i can at least save myself from misery. better to give up now than later. i've been cheating myself for too long. tell myself that that day will come. and my waiting will not be in vain. how true can it be? one year. one year has passed. it's a long long time i tell you. man. i feel like killing myself. it's like it's not a blessing in disguise that im in the same yah as her. it's sheer torture. really. sigh.